Transitioning from a marital relationship to a co-parenting one can be challenging. There was a time when the two of you planned a future together, and those emotions didn’t turn off like a switch.
Navigating this new dynamic takes time. And while there may be bumps as you go along, recognizing and avoiding certain pitfalls can help the process go more smoothly. Here are three common pitfalls, along with tips on how to avoid them:
1. Using your child as a go-between
Co-parents often rely on their children to pass messages back and forth. While it may seem like a harmless request, it actually places stress on the child. They have their own responsibilities, such as school and extracurricular activities. Additionally, they may forget to pass the message along.
A better option is to use phone calls, emails or co-parenting apps to keep the conversations between you and your co-parent. It’s understandable if the two of you aren’t ready for face-to-face communication. The other methods will ensure the messages are relayed and reduce misunderstandings. This way, you keep the adult conversations between the adults and let your kids be kids.
2. Trying to one-up your co-parent
Most parents feel some degree of guilt after a divorce. Subconsciously, they may revert to trying to compete for their children’s affection. It might involve buying gifts or allowing them to bend the rules during their parenting time. However, this can confuse the children and create unhealthy dynamics.
This can be avoided by communicating with your co-parent about having consistent rules across both households. Refrain from trying to outdo the other parent with shopping sprees. Children remember the time spent together more than any material things you may buy. Your children will be better off if you and your co-parent concentrate on being a consistent and loving presence in their lives.
3. Badmouthing your co-parent
The marital problems between you and your ex don’t automatically disappear when you divorce. Sometimes, you may become frustrated or upset with the other parent and start venting your feelings where your child can hear you. This can produce anxiety in your child and make them feel conflicted.
Make it a rule to never speak negatively about your ex-partner in front of or to your child. Always try to model a respectful attitude. Save your frustrations for when you are with your friends or your therapist, or write them down in a journal.
There are bound to be disagreements between you and your ex. However, if both of you try to keep your focus on your children, eventually, you may experience an effective and productive co-parenting relationship.