“Tell your mother that…” or “Tell your father that…” might seem perfectly acceptable things to say as a divorcing or divorced parent of minor children. Your child (or children) are soon going to see their other parent face to face or talk to them on the phone, so you ask them to relay a message for you.
Parents often go for this approach because it saves them having to talk to the other parent themselves – something which can be challenging due to the emotions a divorce can create. However, as practical and harmless as it might seem, experts generally recommend that parents try to avoid this use of children as messengers.
Don’t shoot the messenger
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Don’t shoot the messenger.” Messages are not always well received, and the person relaying the message sometimes bears the brunt of the receiver’s immediate negative reaction. You don’t want your child to have to contend with that.
Even if you and your co-parent never say anything negative in reply to a message relayed via your child, your child may pick up on other, unspoken signals that express your discontent or anger with the relayed news.
Your child may place their own interpretation on those reactions, thinking that they are somehow the problem. They might also get anxious about having to relay messages, as they anticipate a negative reaction. They may also confuse or forget to pass on a message, then feel bad when problems result because of it.
Your children have enough to contend with when you divorce, without complicating things further for them. You are the adults, and it is you who need to communicate with each other to coparent your child. Setting some rules in your parenting plan about how to best do this can help.