You’ve been unhappily married for years – but you still feel guilty saying, “I’m done.” Passively staying in a bad marriage can sometimes feel more tolerable than the anxiety and stress that comes from an active decision to call an attorney and seek a divorce.
Guilt doesn’t mean a divorce is the wrong move. It just means that you need to understand where those feelings come from so that you can make clear-headed decisions that will support your goals for the future, rather than allowing guilt to direct your moves.
Where does the guilt come from?
Everybody’s different, but the guilt they feel when contemplating a divorce usually comes from a combo of similar reasons:
- Societal or cultural expectations: Religious teachings, family traditions and community expectations can make leaving feel morally wrong, even when the marriage is deeply unhappy. Even grown adults worry about disappointing parents or their community.
- Choosing happiness over stability: You may feel selfish for prioritizing personal fulfillment over the stability of the family unit, particularly when you have children or when the household appears perfectly happy to outsiders.
- Hurting a partner who still loves you: When your spouse has not mistreated you, it may feel cruel to cause them pain simply because your feelings have changed. You may wish they were a “villain” because that would make leaving easier.
- Worrying about the children: Parents commonly fear that divorce will damage their children. Children may struggle with the transition, but remaining in a home marked by tension, resentment or emotional distance can negatively affect them, too.
- Believing you should keep trying: You may wonder whether more counseling, patience or effort could repair the relationship. There is rarely a moment when every doubt disappears before someone calls it quits.
It’s important to address your feelings of guilt before you get heavily into your divorce negotiations so that your feelings don’t push you toward agreements that aren’t in your best interest. You might accept an unfair property division, give up needed financial support or agree to an unworkable parenting arrangement because you feel guilty. Working with an experienced family law attorney can help.